The Twelve Thank You Notes of Christmas (Cajun Style)
Loosely Based On The Twelve Days of Christmas
Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an' it
was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it
for a Satsuma.
Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon.
Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.
Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I'm tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave
two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and
fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring
partners for her fighting rooster.
Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call
"calling bird" wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da' way to
Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the
You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at
da' pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp
boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin' Cane Lounge. Merci Beaucoup!
Couchon! Back to da birds, you big dumb turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is
scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the
heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are dang good at eating cockroach around da'
house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on
I'm gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman,
is ready to kill you, too. The poop from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat.
He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan
loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done
blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.
Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8
maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and
almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to
get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack--but dey say it wasn't in their
contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las
What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these
jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here
dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says,
"Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin." Mon Dieux, Emile,
what I'm gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da
cow ate up all my turnip green.
You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don't kill you, I will. Today he
deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be
"ladies dancing" but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey
sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over
by my out- house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde (everybody) and
get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn't good enough for dem hoity toity
lords. Talk at you tomorrow.
Where Y'at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the
House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and
beef jumbalaya, finished da whiskey, and we're having a fais-do-do. Da' new
mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he's having a good old time dancing
with the floozies. Da' old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge
yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking,
ticking package in da mail, don't open it.
Me I'm sorry to tell you--but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do,
I talked all da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a
restaurant and gentlemen's club on the bayou. The floozies--pardon me--ladies
dancing can make $20 un hour for dancin', and the lords can be the waiters and
valet park da boats. Since da' maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to
set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We'll
probably gross a million dollars next year.
Joyeaux Noel et Bonne Annee!
Want some more Cajun? Try the Cajun Shop!
If you would like to help support Hymns and Carols of Christmas, please click on the button below and make a donation.
Related Hymns and Carols