Containing the first part of the reign of Peter Stuy-
vesant and his troubles with the Amphyctionic
Council.

     In which the death of a great man is shewn to be
no such inconsolable matter of sorrow -- and how
Peter Stuyvesant acquired a great name from
the uncommon strength of his head.

     To a profound philosopher, like myself, who
am apt to see clear through a subject, where the
penetration of ordinary people extends but half
way, there is no fact more simple and manifest,
than that the death of a great man, is a matter of
very little importance. Much as we think of our-
selves, and much as we may excite the empty plau-
dits of the million, it is certain that the greatest
among us do actually fill but an exceeding small
space in the world; and it is equally certain, that
even that small space is quickly supplied, when we
leave it vacant. "Of what consequence is it," said
the elegant Pliny, "that individuals appear, or
make their exit? the world is a theatre whose
scenes and actors are continually changing." Ne-
ver did philosopher speak more correctly, and I
only wonder, that so wise a remark could have ex-
isted so many ages, and mankind not have laid it
more to heart. Sage follows on in the footsteps of
sage; one hero just steps out of his triumphant car,
to make way for the hero who comes after him;
and of the proudest monarch it is merely said, that
-- "he slept with his fathers, and his successor
reigned in his stead."

     The world, to tell the private truth, cares but
little for their loss, and if left to itself would soon
forget to grieve; and though a nation has often
been figuratively drowned in tears on the death of
a great man, yet it is ten chances to one if an indivi-
dual tear has been shed on the melancholy occasion,
excepting from the forlorn pen of some hungry au-
thor. It is the historian, the biographer, and the
poet, who have the whole burden of grief to sus-
tain; who -- unhappy varlets! -- like undertakers in
England, act the part of chief mourners -- who in-
flate a nation with sighs it never heaved, and deluge
it with tears, it never dreamed of shedding. Thus
while the patriotic author is weeping and howling,
in prose, in blank verse, and in rhyme, and collect-
ing the drops of public sorrow into his volume, as
into a lachrymal vase, it is more than probable his
fellow citizens are eating and drinking, fiddling and
dancing; as utterly ignorant of the bitter lamenta-
tions made in their name, as are those men of straw,
John, Doe, and Richard Roe, of the plaintiffs for
whom they are generously pleased on divers occa-
sions to become sureties.

     The most glorious and praise-worthy hero that
ever desolated nations, might have mouldered into
oblivion among the rubbish of his own monument,
did not some kind historian take him into favour,
and benevolently transmit his name to posterity --
and much as the valiant William Kieft worried,
and bustled, and turmoiled, while he had the desti-
nies of a whole colony in his hand, I question seri-
ously, whether he will not be obliged to this authen-
tic history, for all his future celebrity.

     His exit occasioned no convulsion in the city of
New Amsterdam, or its vicinity: the earth trem-
bled not, neither did any stars shoot from their
spheres -- the heavens were not shrowded in black,
as poets would fain persuade us they have been, on
the unfortunate death of a hero -- the rocks (hard
hearted vagabonds) melted not into tears; nor did
the trees hang their heads in silent sorrow; and as
to the sun, he laid abed the next night, just as long,
and shewed as jolly a face when he arose, as he
ever did on the same day of the month in any year,
either before or since. The good people of New
Amsterdam, one and all, declared that he had been
a very busy, active, bustling little governor; that
he was "the father of his country" -- that he was
"the noblest work of God" -- that "he was a man,
take him for all in all, they never should look upon
his like again" -- together with sundry other civil
and affectionate speeches that are regularly said on
the death of all great men; after which they smo-
ked their pipes, thought no more about him, and
Peter Stuyvesant succeeded to his station.

     Peter Stuyvesant was the last, and like the re-
nowned Wouter Van Twiller, he was also the best,
of our ancient dutch governors. Wouter having
surpassed all who preceded him; and Pieter, or
Piet, as he was sociably called by the old dutch
burghers, who were ever prone to familiarize
names, having never been equalled by any succes-
sor. He was in fact the very man fitted by nature
to retrieve the desperate fortunes of her beloved
province, had not the fates or parcæ, Clotho, La-
chesis and Atropos, those most potent, immaculate
and unrelenting of all ancient and immortal spin-
sters, destined them to inextricable confusion.

     To say merely that he was a hero would be
doing him unparalleled injustice -- he was in truth
a combination of heroes -- for he was of a sturdy,
raw boned make like Ajax Telamon, so famous for
his prowess in belabouring the little Trojans -- with
a pair of round shoulders, that Hercules would
have given his hide for, (meaning his lion's hide)
when he undertook to ease old Atlas of his load.
He was moreover as Plutarch describes Corio-
lanus, not only terrible for the force of his arm, but
likewise of his voice, which sounded as though it
came out of a barrel; and like the self same war-
rior, he possessed a sovereign contempt for the
sovereign people, and an iron aspect, which was
enough of itself to make the very bowels of his
adversaries quake with terror and dismay. All
this martial excellency of appearance was inex-
pressibly heightened by an accidental advantage,
with which I am surprised that neither Homer
nor Virgil have graced any of their heroes, for it
is worth all the paltry scars and wounds in the
Iliad and Eneid, or Lucan's Pharsalia into the bar-
gain. This was nothing less than a redoubtable
wooden leg, which was the only prize he had gain-
ed, in bravely fighting the battles of his country;
but of which he was so proud, that he was often
heard to declare he valued it more than all his
other limbs put together; indeed so highly did he
esteem it, that he caused it to be gallantly enchased
and relieved with silver devices, which caused it to
be related in divers histories and legends that he
wore a silver leg. [1]

     Like that choleric warrior Achilles, he was
somewhat subject to extempore bursts of passion,
which were oft-times rather unpleasant to his
favourites and attendants, whose perceptions he
was apt to quicken, after the manner of his illus-
trious imitator, Peter the Great, by anointing their
shoulders with his walking staff.

     But the resemblance for which I most value
him was that which he bore in many particulars to
the renowned Charlemagne. Though I cannot
find that he had read Plato, or Aristotle, or Hob-
bes, or Bacon, or Algernon Sydney, or Tom Paine,
yet did he sometimes manifest a shrewdness and
sagacity in his measures, that one would hardly
expect from a man, who did not know Greek, and
had never studied the ancients. True it is, and I
confess it with sorrow, that he had an unreason-
able aversion to experiments, and was fond of
governing his province after the simplest manner --
but then he contrived to keep it in better order
than did the erudite Kieft, though he had all the
philosophers ancient and modern, to assist and
perplex him. I must likewise own that he made
but very few laws, but then again he took care that
those few were rigidly and impartially enforced -- -
and I do not know but justice on the whole, was as
well administered, as if there had been volumes of
sage acts and statutes yearly made, and daily ne-
glected and forgotten.

     He was in fact the very reverse of his prede-
cessors, being neither tranquil and inert like Wal-
ter the Doubter, nor restless and fidgetting, like
William the Testy, but a man, or rather a governor, of
such uncommon activity and decision of mind that
he never sought or accepted the advice of others;
depending confidently upon his single head, as did
the heroes of yore upon their single arms, to work
his way through all difficulties and dangers. To
tell the simple truth he wanted no other requisite
for a perfect statesman, than to think always right,
for no one can deny that he always acted as he
thought, and if he wanted in correctness he made
up for it in perseverance -- An excellent quality!
since it is surely more dignified for a ruler to be
persevering and consistent in error, than wavering
and contradictory, in endeavouring to do what is
right; this much is certain, and I generously make
the maxim public, for the benefit of all legislators,
both great and small, who stand shaking in the wind,
without knowing which way to steer -- a ruler
who acts according to his own will is sure of
pleasing himself, while he who seeks to consult the
wishes and whims of others, runs a great risk of
pleasing nobody. The clock that stands still, and
points resolutely in one direction, is certain of being
right twice in the four and twenty hours -- while
others may keep going continually, and continually
be going wrong.

     Nor did this magnanimous virtue escape the
discernment of the good people of Nieuw Neder-
lants; on the contrary so high an opinion had they
of the independent mind and vigorous intellects of
their new governor, that they universally called
him Hard-koppig Piet, or Peter the Head-
strong -- a great compliment to his understanding!

     If from all that I have said thou dost not gather,
worthy reader, that Peter Stuyvesant was a tough,
sturdy, valiant, weatherbeaten, mettlesome, leath-
ernsided, lion hearted, generous spirited, obstinate,
old "seventy six" of a governor, thou art a very
numscull at drawing conclusions.

     This most excellent governor, whose character I
have thus attempted feebly to delineate, commenced
his administration on the 29th of May 1647: a re-
markably stormy day, distinguished in all the
almanacks of the time, which have come down to
us, by the name of Windy Friday. As he was
very jealous of his personal and official dignity, he
was inaugurated into office with great ceremony;
the goodly oaken chair of the renowned Wouter
Van Twiller, being carefully preserved for such
occasions; in like manner as the chair and stone
were reverentially preserved at Schone in Scotland,
for the coronation of the caledonian monarchs.

     I must not omit to mention that the tempestuous
state of the elements, together with its being that
unlucky day of the week, termed "hanging day,"
did not fail to excite much grave speculation, and
divers very reasonable apprehensions, among the
more ancient and enlightened inhabitants; and
several of the sager sex, who were reputed to be
not a little skilled in the science and mystery of
astrology and fortune telling, did declare outright,
that they were fearful omens of a disastrous
administration -- an event that came to be lamenta-
bly verified, and which proves, beyond dispute, the
wisdom of attending to those preternatural inti-
mations, furnished by dreams and visions, the flying
of birds, falling of stones and cackling of geese, on
which the sages and rulers of ancient times placed
such judicious reliance -- or to those shootings of
stars, eclipses of the moon, howlings of dogs and
flarings of candles, carefully noted and interpreted
by the oracular old sybils of our day; who,
in my humble opinion, are the legitimate possessors
and preservers of the ancient science of divination.
This much is certain, that governor Stuyvesant
succeeded to the chair of state, at a turbulent
period; when foes thronged and threatened from
without; when anarchy and stiff necked opposition
reigned rampant within; and when the authority
of their high mightinesses the lords states gen-
eral, though founded on the broad dutch bottom
of unoffending imbecility; though supported by
economy, and defended by speeches, protests,
proclamations, flagstaffs, trumpeters and windmills
-- vacillated, oscillated, tottered, tumbled and was
finally prostrated in the dirt, by british invaders, in
much the same manner that our majestic, stupen-
dous, but ricketty shingle steeples, will some
day or other be toppled about our ears by a brisk
north wester.

  [1] See the histories of Masters Josselyn and Blome.

     Shewing how Peter the Headstrong bestirred himself
among the rats and cobwebs on entering into of-
fice -- And the perilous mistake he was guilty of,
in his dealings with the Amphyctions.

     The very first movements of the great Peter, on
taking the reins of government, displayed the mag-
nanimity of his mind, though they occasioned not a
little marvel and uneasiness among the people of the
Manhattoes. Finding himself constantly interrupt-
ed by the opposition and annoyed by the sage ad-
vice of his privy council, the members of which
had acquired the unreasonable habit of thinking and
speaking for themselves during the preceding reign;
he determined at once to put a stop to such a griev-
ous abomination. Scarcely therefore had he enter-
ed upon his authority than he kicked out of office
all those meddlesome spirits that composed the
factious cabinet of William the Testy, in place of
whom he chose unto himself councillors from
those fat, somniferous, respectable families, that
had flourished and slumbered under the easy reign
of Walter the Doubter. All these he caused to be
furnished with abundance of fair long pipes, and to
be regaled with frequent corporation dinners, ad-
monishing then to smoke and eat and sleep for the
good of the nation, while he took all the burden of
government upon his own shoulders -- an arrange-
ment to which they all gave a hearty grunt of ac-
quiescence.

     Nor did he stop here, but made a hideous rout
among the ingenious inventions and expedients of
his learned predecessor -- demolishing his flag-
staffs and wind-mills, which like mighty giants,
guarded the ramparts of New Amsterdam -- pitch-
ing to the duyvel whole batteries of quaker guns --
rooting up his patent gallows, where caitiff vaga-
bonds were suspended by the breech, and in a word,
turning topsy-turvy the whole philosophic, econo-
mic and wind-mill system of the immortal sage of
Saardam.

     The honest folk of New Amsterdam, began to
quake now for the fate of their matchless cham-
pion Antony the trumpeter, who had acquired
prodigious favour in the eyes of the women by
means of his whiskers and his trumpet. Him did
Peter the Headstrong, cause to be brought into his
presence, and eyeing him for a moment from head
to foot, with a countenance that would have appall-
ed any thing else than a sounder of brass -- " Pry-
thee who and what art thou?" said he. -- "Sire," re-
plied the other in no wise dismayed, -- "for my
name, it is Antony Van Corlear -- for my paren-
tage, I am the son of my mother -- for my profes-
sion I am champion and garrison of this great city
of New Amsterdam." -- -"I doubt me much," said
Peter Stuyvesant," that thou art some scurvy cos-
tard-monger knave -- how didst thou acquire this
paramount honour and dignity?" -- "Marry sir,"
replied the other, "like many a great man before
me, simply by sounding my own trumpet." -- "Aye,
is it so?" quoth the governor, why then let us have
a relish of thy art." Whereupon he put his instru-
ment to his lips and sounded a charge, with such
a tremendous outset, such a delectable quaver, and
such a triumphant cadence that it was enough to
make your heart leap out of your mouth only to be
within a mile of it. Like as a war-worn charger,
while sporting in peaceful plains, if by chance he
hears the strains of martial music, pricks up his
ears, and snorts and paws and kindles at the noise,
so did the heroic soul of the mighty Peter joy to
hear the clangour of the trumpet; for of him might
truly be said what was recorded of the renowned
St. George of England, "there was nothing in all
the world that more rejoiced his heart, than to hear
the pleasant sound of war, and see the soldiers
brandish forth their steeled weapons." Casting
his eyes more kindly therefore, upon the sturdy
Van Corlear, and finding him to be a jolly, fat little
man, shrewd in his discourse, yet of great dis-
cretion and immeasurable wind, he straightway
conceived an astonishing kindness for him; and
discharging him from the troublesome duty of gar-
risoning, defending and alarming the city, ever
after retained him about his person, as his chief
favourite, confidential envoy and trusty squire. In-
stead of disturbing the city with disastrous notes,
he was instructed to play so as to delight the go-
vernor, while at his repasts, as did the minstrels
of yore in the days of glorious chivalry -- and on
all public occasions, to rejoice the ears of the peo-
ple with warlike melody -- thereby keeping alive a
noble and martial spirit.

     Many other alterations and reformations, both
for the better and for the worse, did the governor
make, of which my time will not serve me to re-
cord the particulars, suffice it to say, he soon con-
trived to make the province feel that he was its
master, and treated the sovereign people with such
tyrannical rigour, that they were all fain to hold
their tongues, stay at home and attend to their bu-
siness; insomuch that party feuds and distinctions
were almost forgotten, and many thriving keepers
of taverns and dram-shops, were utterly ruined for
want of business.

     Indeed the critical state of public affairs at this
time, demanded the utmost vigilance, and promp-
titude. The formidable council of the Amphyctions,
which had caused so much tribulation to the un
fortunate Kieft, still continued augmenting its
forces, and threatened to link within its union, all
the mighty principalities and powers of the cast.
In the very year following the inauguration of go-
vernor Stuyvesant a grand deputation departed
from the city of Providence (famous for its dusty
streets, and beauteous women,) in behalf of the
puissant plantation of Rhode Island, praying to be
admitted into the league.

     The following mention is made of this applica-
tion in the records still extant, of that assemblage
of worthies. [2]

     "Mr. Will Cottington and captain Partridg of
Rhoode Hand presented this insewing request to the
commissioners in wrighting --

     "Our request and motion is in behalfe of
Rhoode Hand, that wee the Handers of Rhoode
Iland may be rescauied into combination with all
the united colonyes of New England in a firme and
perpetuall league of friendship and amity of ofence
and defence, mutuall advice and succor upon all
just occasions for our mutuall safety and well-
faire, &c.

     I confess the very sight of this fearful docu-
ment, made me to quake for the safety of my belo-
ved province. The name of Alexander, however
misspelt, has been warlike in every age, and though
its fierceness is in some measure softened by being
coupled with the gentle cognomen of Partridge,
still, like the colour of scarlet, it bears an exceeding
great resemblance to the sound of a trumpet.
From the style of the letter, moreover, and the sol-
dierlike ignorance of orthography displayed by the
noble captain Alicxsander Partridg in spelling his
own name, we may picture to ourselves this mighty
man of Rhodes like a second Ajax, strong in arms,
great in the field, but in other respects, (meaning
no disparagement) as great a dom cop, as if he had
been educated among that learned people of Thrace,
who Aristotle most slanderously assures us, could
not count beyond the number four.

     But whatever might be the threatening aspect
of this famous confederation, Peter Stuyvesant
was not a man to be kept in a state of incertitude
and vague apprehension; he liked nothing so much
as to meet danger face to face, and take it by the
beard. Determined therefore to put an end to all
these petty maraudings on the borders, he wrote
two or three categorical letters to the grand council,
which though neither couched in bad latin, nor yet
graced by rhetorical tropes about wolfs and lambs,
and beetle flies, yet had more effect than all the
elaborate epistles, protests and proclamations of his
learned predecessor, put together. In consequence
of his urgent propositions, the sage council of the
amphyctions agreed to enter into a final adjustment
of grievances and settlement of boundaries, to the
end that a perpetual and happy peace might take
place between the two powers. For this purpose
governor Stuyvesant deputed two ambassadors, to
negotiate with commissioners from the grand coun-
cil of the league, and a treaty was solemnly conclu-
ded at Hartford. On receiving intelligence of this
event, the whole community was in an uproar of
exultation. The trumpet of the sturdy Van Cor-
lear, sounded all day with joyful clangour from the
ramparts of Fort Amsterdam, and at night the city
was magnificently illuminated with two hundred
and fifty tallow candles; besides a barrel of tar,
which was burnt before the governor's house, on
the cheering aspect of public affairs.

     And now my worthy, but simple reader, is
doubtless, like the great and good Peter, congratu-
lating himself with the idea, that his feelings will
no longer be molested by afflicting details of stolen
horses, broken heads, impounded hogs, and all the
other catalogue of heart-rending cruelties, that dis-
graced these border wars. But if my reader should
indulge in such expectations, it is only another proof,
among the many he has already given in the course
of this work, of his utter ignorance of state affairs --
and this lamentable ignorance on his part, obliges
me to enter into a very profound dissertation, to
which I call his attention in the next chapter --
wherein I will shew that Peter Stuyvesant has al-
ready committed a great error in politics; and by
effecting a peace, has materially jeopardized the
tranquility of the province.

  [2] Haz. Col. Stat. pap.

     Containing divers philosophical speculations on war
and negociations -- and shewing that a treaty of
peace is a great national evil.

     It was the opinion of that poetical philosopher
Lucretius, that war was the original state of man;
whom he described as being primitively a savage
beast of prey, engaged in a constant state of hostility
with his own species, and that this ferocious spirit
was tamed and ameliorated by society. The same
opinion has been advocated by the learned Hobbes,
nor have there been wanting a host of sage philoso-
phers to admit and defend it.

     For my part, I am prodigiously fond of these
valuable speculations so complimentary to human
nature, and which are so ingeniously calculated
to make beasts of both writer and reader; but in
this instance I am inclined to take the proposition
by halves, believing with old Horace, [3] that though
war may have been originally the favourite amuse-
ment and industrious employment of our progeni-
tors, yet like many other excellent habits, so far
from being ameliorated, it has been cultivated and
confirmed by refinement and civilization, and en-
creases in exact proportion as we approach to-
wards that state of perfection, which is the ne plus
ultra of modern philosophy.

     The first conflict between man and man was the
mere exertion of physical force, unaided by auxiliary
weapons -- his arm was his buckler, his fist was his
mace, and a broken head the catastrophe of his
encounters. The battle of unassisted strength,
was succeeded by the more rugged one of stones
and clubs, and war assumed a sanguinary aspect.
As man advanced in refinement, as his faculties
expanded, and his sensibilities became more exqui-
site, he grew rapidly more ingenious and experienced,
in the art of murdering his fellow beings. He
invented a thousand devices to defend and to
assault -- the helmet, the cuirass and the buckler;
the sword, the dart and the javelin, prepared him
to elude the wound, as well as to launch the blow.
Still urging on, in the brilliant and philanthropic
career of invention, he enlarges and heightens his
powers of defence and injury -- The Aries, the
Scorpio, the Balista and the Catapulta, give a horror
and sublimity to war, and magnify its glory, by
encreasing its desolation. Still insatiable; though
armed with machinery that seemed to reach the
limits of destructive invention, and to yield a power
of injury, commensurate, even to the desires of
revenge -- still deeper researches must be made in
the diabolical arcana. With furious zeal he dives
into the bowels of the earth; he toils midst poi-
sonous minerals and deadly salts -- the sublime
discovery of gunpowder, blazes upon the world
-- and finally the dreadful art of fighting by procla-
mation, seems to endow the demon of war, with
ubiquity and omnipotence!

     By the hand of my body but this is grand! -- this
indeed marks the powers of mind, and bespeaks that
divine endowment of reason, which distinguishes us
from the animals, our inferiors. The unenlighten-
ed brutes content themselves with the native force
which providence has assigned them. The angry
bull butts with his horns, as did his progenitors be-
fore him -- the lion, the leopard, and the tyger, seek
only with their talons and their fangs, to gratify
their sanguinary fury; and even the subtle serpent
darts the same venom, and uses the same wiles, as
did his sire before the flood. Man alone, blessed
with the inventive mind, goes on from discovery to
discovery -- enlarges and multiplies his powers of
destruction; arrogates the tremendous weapons of
deity itself, and tasks creation to assist him, in mur-
dering his brother worm!

     In proportion as the art of war has increased in
improvement, has the art of preserving peace ad-
vanced in equal ratio. But as I have already been
very prolix to but little purpose, in the first part of
this truly philosophic chapter, I shall not fatigue my
patient, but unlearned reader, in tracing the history
of the art of making peace. Suffice it to say, as we
have discovered in this age of wonders and inven-
tions, that proclamation is the most formidable en-
gine in war, so have we discovered the no less in-
genious mode of maintaining peace by perpetual ne-
gociations.

     A treaty, or to speak more correctly a negocia-
tion, therefore, according to the acceptation of your
experienced statesmen, learned in these matters, is
no longer an attempt to accommodate differences, to
ascertain rights, and to establish an equitable ex-
change of kind offices; but a contest of skill between
two powers, which shall over-reach and take in the
other. It is a cunning endeavour to obtain by
peaceful manoeuvre, and the chicanery of cabinets,
those advantages, which a nation would otherwise
have wrested by force of arms. -- In the same man-
ner that a conscientious highway-man reforms and
becomes an excellent and praiseworthy citizen con-
tenting himself with cheating his neighbour out of
that property he would formerly have seized with
open violence.

     In fact the only time when two nations can be
said to be in a state of perfect amity, is when a ne-
gociation is open, and a treaty pending. Then as
there are no stipulations entered into, no bonds to
restrain the will, no specific limits to awaken that
captious jealousy of right implanted in our nature,
as both parties have some advantage to hope and
expect from the other, then it is that the two na-
tions are as gracious and friendly to each other, as
two rogues making a bargain. Their ministers
professing the highest mutual regard, exchanging
billets-doux, making fine speeches and indulging
in all those little diplomatic flirtations, coquetries
and fondlings, that do so marvelously tickle the
good humour of the respective nations. Thus
it may paradoxically be said, that there is never
so good an understanding between two nations,
as when there is a little misunderstanding -- and
that so long as they are on no terms, they are on
the best terms in the world!

     As I am of all men in the world, particularly
historians, the most candid and unassuming, I would
not for an instant claim the merit of having made
the above political discovery. It has in fact long
been secretly acted upon by certain enlightened
cabinets, and is, together with divers other notable
theories, privately copied out of the common place
book of an illustrious gentleman, who has been
member of congress, and enjoyed the unlimited con-
fidence of heads of department. To this principle
may be ascribed the wonderful ingenuity that has
been shewn of late years in protracting and inter-
rupting negociations. -- Hence the cunning measure
of appointing as ambassador, some political pettifog-
ger skilled in delays, sophisms, and misconstruc-
tions, and dexterous in the art of baffling argument --
or some blundering statesman, whose stupid errors
and misconstructions may be a plea for refusing to
ratify his engagements. And hence too that most
notable expedient, so popular with our government,
of sending out a brace of ambassadors; who having
each an individual will to consult, character to
establish, and interest to promote, you may as well
look for unanimity and concord between them, as
between two lovers with one mistress, two dogs
with one bone, or two naked rogues and one pair
of breeches. This disagreement therefore is con-
tinually breeding delays and impediments, in con-
sequence of which the negociation goes on swim-
mingly -- inasmuch as there is no prospect of its
ever coming to a close. Nothing is lost by these
delays and obstacles but time, and in a negociation,
according to the theory I have exposed, all time
lost, is in reality so much time gained -- with what
delightful paradoxes, does the modern arcana of
political economy abound!

     Now all that I have here advanced is so
notoriously true, that I almost blush to take up the
time of my readers, with treating of matters which
must many a time have stared them in the face.
But the proposition to which I would most earnestly
call their attention is this, that though a negociation
is the most harmonizing of all national transactions,
yet a treaty of peace is a great political evil and one
of the most fruitful sources of war.

     I have rarely seen an instance in my time, of
any special contract between individuals, that did
not produce jealousies, bickerings, and often down-
right ruptures between them; nor did I ever know
of a treaty between two nations, that did not keep
them continually in hot water. How many worthy
country neighbours have I known, who after living
in peace and good fellowship for years, have been
thrown into a state of distrust, cavilling and ani-
mosity, by some ill starred agreement about fences,
runs of water, and stray cattle. And how many
well meaning nations, who would otherwise have
remained in the most amiable disposition towards
each other, have been brought to loggerheads
about the infringement, or misconstruction of some
treaty, which in an evil hour they had constructed
by way of making their amity more sure.

     Treaties at best are but complied with so long as
interest requires their fulfillment; consequently they
are virtually binding on the weaker party only, or
in other words, they are not really binding at all.
No nation will wantonly go to war with another if
it has nothing to gain thereby, and therefore needs
no treaty to restrain it from violence; and if it has
any thing to gain, I much question, from what I
have witnessed of the righteous conduct of nations,
whether any treaty could be made so strong, that
it could not thrust the sword through -- nay I would
hold ten to one, the treaty itself, would be the very
source to which resort would be had, to find a
pretext for hostilities.

     Thus therefore I sagely conclude -- that though it
is the best of all policies for a nation to keep up a
constant negociation with its neighbours, it is the
utmost summit of folly, for it ever to be beguiled
into a treaty; for then comes on the non-fulfilment
and infraction, then remonstrance, then altercation,
then retaliation, then recrimination and finally open
war. In a word, negociation is like courtship, a
time of sweet words, gallant speeches, soft looks
and endearing caresses, but the marriage ceremony
is the signal for hostilities -- and thus ends this very
abstruse though very instructive chapter.

  [3] Quum prorepserunt primis animalia terris,
Mutum ac turpe pecus, glandem atque cubilia propter,
Unguibus et pugnis, dein fustibus, atque ita porro
Pugnabant armis, quæ post fabricaverat usus.

     Hor. Sat. L. i. S 3.

     How Peter Stuyvesant was horribly belied by his
adversaries the Moss Troopers -- and his con-
duct thereupon.

    my pains-taking reader, whose perception,
it is a hundred to one, is as obtuse as a beetle's, is
not somewhat perplexed, in the course of the ra-
tiocination of my last chapter; he will doubtless, at
one glance perceive, that the great Peter, in conclu-
ding a treaty with his eastern neighbours, was guil-
ty of a most notable error and heterodoxy in poli-
tics. To this unlucky agreement may justly be as-
cribed a world of little infringements, altercations,
negociations and bickerings, which afterwards took
place between the irreproachable Stuyvesant, and
the evil disposed council of amphyctions; in all
which, with the impartial justice of an historian, I
pronounce the latter to have been invariably in the
wrong. All these did not a little disturb the con-
stitutional serenity of the good and substantial
burghers of Mannahata -- otherwise called Manhat-
toes, but more vulgarly known by the name of Man-
hattan. But in sooth they were so very scurvy
and pitiful in their nature and effects, that a grave
historian like me, who grudges the time spent in
any thing less than recording the fall of empires,
and the revolution of worlds, would think them un-
worthy to be recorded in his sacred page.

     The reader is therefore to take it for granted,
though I scorn to waste in the detail, that time,
which my furrowed brow and trembling hand, in-
form me is invaluable, that all the while the great
Peter was occupied in those tremendous and bloody
contests, that I shall shortly rehearse, there was a
continued series of little, dirty, snivelling, pettifog-
ging skirmishes, scourings, broils and maraudings
made on the eastern frontiers, by the notorious
moss troopers of Connecticut. But like that mir-
ror of chivalry, the sage and valourous Don Quix-
ote, I leave these petty contests for some future
Sancho Panza of an historian, while I reserve my
prowess and my pen for achievements of higher
dignity.

     Now did the great Peter conclude, that his la-
bours had come to a close in the east, and that he
had nothing to do but apply himself to the internal
prosperity of his beloved Manhattoes. Though a
man of great modesty, he could not help boasting
that he had at length shut the temple of Janus, and
that, were all rulers like a certain person who should
be nameless, it would never be opened again. But
the exultation of the worthy governor was put to a
speedy check, for scarce was the treaty concluded,
and hardly was the ink dried on the paper, before
the crafty and discourteous council of the league
sought a new pretence for reilluming the flames of
discord.

     In the year 1651, with a flagitious hardihood
that makes my gorge to rise while I write, they ac-
cused the immaculate Peter -- the soul of honour
and heart of steel -- that by divers gifts and promi-
ses he had been secretly endeavouring to instigate
the Narrohigansett (or Narraganset) Mohaque and
Pequot Indians, to surprize and massacre the En-
glish settlements. For, as the council maliciously
observed, "the Indians round about for divers hun-
dred miles cercute, seeme to have drunke deep of
an intoxicating cupp, att or from the Monhatoes
against the English, whoe have sought there good,
both in bodily and sperituall respects." To sup-
port their most unrighteous accusation, they examin-
ed divers Indians, who all swore to the fact as stur-
dily as if they had been so many christian troopers.
And to be more sure of their veracity, the knowing
council previously made every mother's son of them
devoutly drunk, remembering the old proverb -- In
vino veritas.

     Though descended from a family which suffer-
ed much injury from the losel Yankees of those
times; my great grandfather having had a yoke of
oxen and his best pacer stolen, and having received
a pair of black eyes and a bloody nose, in one of
these border wars; and my grandfather, when a
very little boy tending the pigs, having been kid-
napped and severely flogged by a long sided Con-
necticut schoolmaster -- Yet I should have passed
over all these wrongs with forgiveness and oblivion
-- I could even have suffered them to have broken
Evert Ducking's head, to have kicked the doughty
Jacobus Van Curlet and his ragged regiment out
of doors, carried every hog into captivity, and de-
populated every hen roost, on the face of the earth
with perfect impunity -- But this wanton, wicked
and unparalleled attack, upon one of the most
gallant and irreproachable heroes of modern times,
is too much even for me to digest, and has overset,
with a single puff, the patience of the historian and
the forbearance of the Dutchman.

     Oh reader it was false! -- I swear to thee it
was false! -- if thou hast any respect for my word --
if the undeviating and unimpeached character for
veracity, which I have hitherto borne throughout
this work, has its due weight with thee, thou wilt
not give thy faith to this tale of slander; for I
pledge my honour and my immortal fame to thee,
that the gallant Peter Stuyvesant, was not only
innocent of this foul conspiracy, but would have
suffered his right arm, or even his wooden leg to
consume with slow and everlasting flames, rather
than attempt to destroy his enemies in any other
way, than open generous warfare -- Beshrew those
caitiff scouts, that conspired to sully his honest
name by such an imputation!

     Peter Stuyvesant, though he perhaps had never
heard of a Knight Errant; yet had he as true a
heart of chivalry as ever beat at the round table of
King Arthur. There was a spirit of native gal-
lantry, a noble and generous hardihood diffused
through his rugged manners, which altogether gave
unquestionable tokens of an heroic mind. He was,
in truth, a hero of chivalry struck off by the hand
of nature at a single heat, and though she had taken
no further care to polish and refine her workman-
ship, he stood forth a miracle of her skill.

     But not to be figurative, (a fault in historic
writing which I particularly) eschew the great Peter
possessed in an eminent degree, the seven renown-
ed and noble virtues of knighthood; which, as he
had never consulted authors, in the disciplining and
cultivating of his mind, I verily believe must have
been stowed away in a corner of his heart by dame
nature herself -- where they flourished, among his
hardy qualities, like so many sweet wild flowers,
shooting forth and thriving with redundant luxuri-
ance among stubborn rocks. Such was the mind
of Peter the Headstrong, and if my admiration for
it, has on this occasion, transported my style beyond
the sober gravity which becomes the laborious
scribe of historic events, I can plead as an apology,
that though a little, grey headed Dutchman, arrived
almost at the bottom of the down-hill of life, I
still retain some portion of that celestial fire, which
sparkles in the eye of youth, when contemplating
the virtues and achievements of ancient worthies.
Blessed, thrice and nine times blessed, be the good
St. Nicholas -- that I have escaped the influence of
that chilling apathy, which too often freezes the
sympathies of age; which like a churlish spirit,
sits at the portals of the heart, repulsing every
genial sentiment, and paralyzing every spontaneous
glow of enthusiasm.

     No sooner then, did this scoundrel imputation
on his honour reach the ear of Peter Stuyvesant,
than he proceeded in a manner which would have
redounded to his credit, even if he had studied for
years, in the library of Don Quixote himself. He
immediately dispatched his valiant trumpeter and
squire, Antony Van Corlear, with orders to ride
night and day, as herald, to the Amphyctionic
council, reproaching them in terms of noble indig-
nation, for giving ear to the slanders of heathen in-
fidels, against the character of a Christian, a gen-
tleman and a soldier -- and declaring, that as to the
treacherous and bloody plot alledged against him,
whoever affirmed it to be true, he lied in his teeth!
-- to prove which he defied the president of the
council and all of his compeers, or if they pleased,
their puissant champion, captain Alicxsander Part-
ridg that mighty man of Rhodes, to meet him in
single combat, where he would trust the vindication
of his innocence to the prowess of his arm.

     This challenge being delivered with due cere-
mony, Antony Van Corlear sounded a trumpet of
defiance before the whole council, ending with a
most horrific and nasal twang, full in the face of
captain Partridg, who almost jumped out of his
skin in an extacy of astonishment, at the noise. This
done he mounted a tall Flanders mare, which he
always rode, and trotted merrily towards the Man-
hattoes -- passing through Hartford, and Pyquag
and Middletown and all the other border towns --
twanging his trumpet like a very devil, so that the
sweet vallies and banks of the Connecticut resound-
ed with the warlike melody -- and stopping occa-
sionally to eat pumpkin pies, dance at country fro-
licks, and bundle with the beauteous lasses of those
parts -- whom he rejoiced exceedingly with his soul
stirring instrument.

     But the grand council being composed of con-
siderate men, had no idea of running a tilting with
such a fiery hero as the hardy Peter -- on the con-
trary they sent him an answer, couched in the
meekest, the most mild and provoking terms, in
which they assured him that his guilt was proved
to their perfect satisfaction, by the testimony of
divers sage and respectable Indians, and conclud-
ing with this truly amiable paragraph. -- "For
youer confidant denialls of the Barbarous plott
charged, will waigh little in ballance against such
evidence, soe that we must still require and seeke
due satisfaction and cecuritie, soe we rest,

     Sir,
Youres in wayes of Righteousness, &c."

     I am conscious that the above transaction has
been differently recorded by certain historians of the
east, and elsewhere; who seem to have inherited
the bitter enmity of their ancestors to the brave
Peter -- and much good may their inheritance do
them. These moss troopers in literature, whom I
regard with sovereign scorn, as mere vampers up of
vulgar prejudices and fabulous legends, declare, that
Peter Stuyvesant requested to have the charges
against him, enquired into, by commissioners to be
appointed for the purpose; and yet that when such
commissioners were appointed, he refused to sub-
mit to their examination. Now this is partly true
-- he did indeed, most gallantly offer, when that he
found a deaf ear was turned to his challenge, to sub-
mit his conduct to the rigorous inspection of a court
of honour -- but then he expected to find it an august
tribunal, composed of courteous gentlemen, the go-
vernors and nobility, of the confederate plantations,
and of the province of New Netherlands; where he
might be tried by his peers, in a manner worthy of
his rank and dignity -- whereas, let me perish, if
they did not send on to the Manhattoes two lean
sided hungry pettifoggers, mounted on Narraganset
pacers, with saddle bags under their bottoms, and
green satchels under their arms, as if they were
about to beat the hoof from one county court to
another -- in search of a law suit.

     The chivalric Peter, as well he might, took no
notice of these cunning varlets; who with professional
industry fell to prying and sifting about, in quest of
ex parte evidence; bothering and perplexing divers
simple Indians and old women, with their cross
questioning, until they contradicted and forswore
themselves most horribly -- as is every day done in
our courts of justice. Thus having dispatched
their errand to their full satisfation, they returned
to the grand council with their satchels and saddle-
bags stuffed full of the most scurvy rumours, apo-
cryphal stories and outrageous heresies, that ever
were heard -- for all which the great Peter did not
care a tobacco stopper; but I warrant me had they
attempted to play off the same trick upon William
the Testy, he would have treated them both to an
ærial gambol on his patent gallows.

     The grand council of the east, held a very solemn
meeting on the return of their envoys, and after they
had pondered a long time on the situation of affairs,
were upon the point of adjourning without being able
to agree upon any thing. At this critical moment one
of those little, meddlesome, indefatigable spirits, who
endeavour to establish a character for patriotism by
blowing the bellows of party, until the whole fur-
nace of politics is red-hot with sparks and cinders
-- and who have just cunning enough to know, that
there is no time so favourable for getting on the peo-
ple's backs, as when they are in a state of turmoil,
and attending to every body's business but their
own -- This aspiring imp of faction, who was called
a great politician, because he had secured a seat in
council by calumniating all his opponents -- He I
say, conceived this a fit opportunity to strike a blow
that should secure his popularity among his consti-
tuents, who lived on the borders of Nieuw Neder-
landt, and were the greatest poachers in Christen-
dom, excepting the Scotch border nobles. Like a
second Peter the hermit, therefore, he stood forth
and preached up a crusade against Peter Stuyve-
sant, and his devoted city.

     He made a speech which lasted three days, ac-
cording to the ancient custom in these parts, in which
he represented the dutch as a race of impious here-
tics, who neither believed in witchcraft, nor the
sovereign virtues of horse shoes -- who, left their
country for the lucre of gain, not like themselves
for the enjoyment of liberty of conscience -- who, in
short, were a race of mere cannibals and anthropo-
phagi, inasmuch as they never eat cod-fish on satur-
days, devoured swine's flesh without molasses, and
held pumpkins in utter contempt.

     This speech had the desired effect, for the coun-
cil, being awakened by their serjeant at arms, rub-
bed their eyes, and declared that it was just and
politic to declare instant war against these unchris-
tian anti-pumpkinites. But it was necessary that
the people at large should first be prepared for this
measure, and for this purpose the arguments of the
little orator were earnestly preached from the pul-
pit for several sundays subsequent, and earnestly
recommended to the consideration of every good
Christian, who professed, as well as practised the
doctrine of meekness, charity, and the forgiveness
of injuries. This is the first time we hear of the
"Drum Ecclesiastic" beating up for political re-
cruits in our country; and it proved of such signal
efficacy, that it has since been called into frequent
service throughout our union. A cunning politician
is often found skulking under the clerical robe, with
an outside all religion, and an inside all political
rancour. Things spiritual and things temporal are
strangely jumbled together, like poisons and anti-
dotes on an apothecary's shelf, and instead of a de-
vout sermon, the simple church-going folk, have
often a political pamphlet, thrust down their throats,
labeled with a pious text from Scripture.

     How the New Amsterdammers became great in
arms, and of the direful catastrophe of a mighty
army -- together with Peter Stuyvesant's mea-
sures to fortify the City -- and how he was the
original founder of the Battery.

But notwithstanding that the grand council, as
I have already shewn, were amazingly discreet in
their proceedings respecting the New Nether-
lands, and conducted the whole with almost as much
silence and mystery, as does the sage British cabi-
net one of its ill star'd secret expeditions -- yet did the
ever watchful Peter receive as full and accurate in-
formation of every movement, as does the court of
France of all the notable enterprises I have men-
tioned. -- He accordingly set himself to work, to
render the machinations of his bitter adversaries
abortive.

     I know that many will censure the precipitation
of this stout hearted old governor, in that he hur-
ried into the expenses of fortification, without as-
certaining whether they were necessary, by pru-
dently waiting until the enemy was at the door.
But they should recollect Peter Stuyvesant had not
the benefit of an insight into the modern arcana of
politics, and was strangely bigotted to certain obso-
lete maxims of the old school; among which he
firmly believed, that, to render a country respected
abroad, it was necessary to make it formidable at
home -- and that a nation should place its reliance
for peace and security, more upon its own strength,
than on the justice or good will of its neighbours. --
He proceeded therefore, with all diligence, to put
the province and metropolis in a strong posture
of defence.

     Among the few remnants of ingenious inven-
tions which remained from the days of William the
Testy, were those impregnable bulwarks of public
safety, militia laws; by which the inhabitants were
obliged to turn out twice a year, with such military
equipments -- as it pleased God; and were put un-
der the command of very valiant taylors, and man
milliners, who though on ordinary occasions, the
meekest, pippen-hearted little men in the world,
were very devils at parades and court-martials,
when they had cocked hats on their heads, and
swords by their sides. Under the instructions of
these periodical warriors, the gallant train bands
made marvellous proficiency in the mystery of gun-
powder. They were taught to face to the right, to
wheel to the left, to snap off empty firelocks with-
out winking, to turn a corner without any great up-
roar or irregularity, and to march through sun and
rain from one end of the town to the other without
flinching -- until in the end they became so valour-
ous that they fired off blank cartridges, without so
much as turning away their heads -- could hear the
largest field piece discharged, without stopping
their ears or falling into much confusion -- and would
even go through all the fatigues and perils of a sum-
mer day's parade, without having their ranks much
thinned by desertion!

     True it is, the genius of this truly pacific peo-
ple was so little given to war, that during the inter-
vals which occurred between field days, they gene-
rally contrived to forget all the military tuition they
had received; so that when they re-appeared on pa-
rade, they scarcely knew the butt end of the musket
from the muzzle, and invariably mistook the right
shoulder for the left -- a mistake which however
was soon obviated by shrewdly chalking their left
arms. But whatever might be their blunders and
aukwardness, the sagacious Kieft, declared them to
be of but little importance -- since, as he judiciously
observed, one campaign would be of more instruc-
tion to them than a hundred parades; for though
two-thirds of them might be food for powder, yet
such of the other third as did not run away, would
become most experienced veterans.

     The great Stuyvesant had no particular venera-
tion for the ingenious experiments and institutions
of his shrewd predecessor, and among other things,
held the militia system in very considerable con-
tempt, which he was often heard to call in joke -- for
he was sometimes fond of a joke -- governor Kieft's
broken reed. As, however, the present emergency
was pressing, he was obliged to avail himself of such
means of defence as were next at hand, and accor-
dingly appointed a general inspection and parade of
the train bands. But oh! Mars and Bellona, and
all ye other powers of war, both great and small,
what a turning out was here! -- Here came men
without officers, and officers without men -- long
fowling pieces, and short blunderbusses -- muskets
of all sorts and sizes, some without bayonets, others
without locks, others without stocks, and many
without lock, stock, or barrel. -- Cartridge-boxes,
shot belts, powder-horns, swords, hatchets, snick-
er-snees, crow-bars, and broomsticks, all mingled
higgledy, piggledy -- like one of our continental ar-
mies at the breaking out of the revolution.

     The sturdy Peter eyed this ragged regiment
with some such rueful aspect, as a man would eye
the devil; but knowing, like a wise man, that all
he had to do was to make the best out of a bad bar-
gain, he determined to give his heroes a seasoning.
Having therefore drilled them through the ma-
nual exercise over and over again, he ordered the
fifes to strike up a quick march, and trudged his
sturdy boots backwards and forwards, about the
streets of New Amsterdam, and the fields adja-
cent, till I warrant me, their short legs ached, and
their fat sides sweated again. But this was not
all; the martial spirit of the old governor caught
fire from the sprightly music of the fife, and he re-
solved to try the mettle of his troops, and give
them a taste of the hardships of iron war. To
this end he encamped them as the shades of evening
fell, upon a hill formerly called Bunker's hill, at
some distance from the town, with a full intention
of initiating them into the dicipline of camps, and
of renewing the next day, the toils and perils of
the field. But so it came to pass, that in the night
there fell a great and heavy rain, which descended
in torrents upon the camp, and the mighty army
of swing tails strangely melted away before it; so
that when Gaffer Phoebus came to shed his morn-
ing beams upon the place, saving Peter Stuyvesant
and his trumpeter Van Corlear, scarce one was to
be found of all the multitude, that had taken roost
there the night before.

     This awful dissolution of his army would have
appalled a commander of less nerve than Peter
Stuyvesant; but he considered it as a matter of
but small importance, though he thenceforward
regarded the militia system with ten times greater
contempt than ever, and took care to provide him-
self with a good garrison of chosen men, whom
he kept in pay, of whom he boasted that they at
least possessed the quality, indispensible in sol-
diers, of being water proof.

     The next care of the vigilant Stuyvesant, was
to strengthen and fortify New Amsterdam. For
this purpose he reared a substantial barrier that
reached across the island from river to river, being
the distance of a full half a mile! -- a most stupend-
ous work, and scarcely to be rivalled in the opinion
of the old inhabitants, by the great wall of China,
or the Roman wall erected in Great Britain against
the incursions of the Scots, or the wall of brass
that Dr. Faustus proposed to build round Ger-
many, by the aid of the devil.

     The materials of which this wall was construct-
ed are differently described, but from a majority of
opinions I am inclined to believe that it was a
picket fence of especial good pine posts, intended
to protect the city, not merely from the sudden in-
vasions of foreign enemies, but likewise from the
incursions of the neighbouring Indians.

     Some traditions it is true, have ascribed the
building of this wall to a later period, but they are
wholly incorrect; for a memorandum in the Stuy-
vesant manuscript, dated towards the middle of the
governor's reign, mentions this wall particularly, as
a very strong and curious piece of workmanship,
and the admiration of all the savages in the neigh-
bourhood. And it mentions moreover the alarm-
ing circumstance of a drove of stray cows, breaking
through the grand wall of a dark night; by which
the whole community of New Amsterdam was
thrown into as great panic, as were the people of
Rome, by the sudden irruptions of the Gauls, or
the valiant citizens of Philadelphia, during the
time of our revolution: by a fleet of empty kegs
floating down the Delaware. [4]

     But the vigilance of the governor was more
especially manifested by an additional fortification
which he erected as an out work to fort Amster-
dam, to protect the sea bord, or water edge. I
have ascertained by the most painful and minute
investigation, that it was neither fortified accord-
ing to the method of Evrard de Bar-le-duc, that
earliest inventor of complete system; the dutch
plan of Marollois; the French method invented by
by Antoine de Ville; the Flemish of Stevin de
Bruges; the Polish of Adam de Treitach, or the
Italian of Sardi.

     He did not pursue either of the three systems
of Pagan; the three of Vauban; the three of Schei-
ter; the three of Coehorn, that illustrious dutch-
man, who adapted all his plans to the defence of
low and marshy countries -- or the hundred and
sixty methods, laid down by Francisco Marchi of
Bologna.

     The fortification did not consist of a Polygon,
inscribed in a circle, according to Alain Manesson
Maillet; nor with four long batteries, agreeably to
the expensive system of Blondel; nor with the
fortification a rebours of Dona Rosetti, nor the
Caponiere Couverte, of the ingenious St. Julien;
nor with angular polygons and numerous case-
mates, as recommended by Antoine d'Herbert; who
served under the duke of Wirtemberg, grandfa-
ther to the second wife, and first queen of Jerome
Bonaparte -- otherwise called Jerry Sneak.

     It was neither furnished with bastions, fash-
ioned after the original invention of Zisca, the
Bohemian; nor those used by Achmet Bassa, at
Otranto in 1480; nor those recommended by San
Micheli of Verona; neither those of triangular
form, treated of by Specle, the high dutch engineer
of Strasbourg, or the famous wooden bastions,
since erected in this renowned city, the destruction
of which, is recorded in a former chapter. In
fact governor Stuyvesant, like the celebrated Mon-
talembert, held bastions in absolute contempt; yet
did he not like him substitute a tenaille angulaire
des polygons à ailerons.

     He did not make use of Myrtella towers, as
are now erecting at Quebec; neither did he erect
flagstaffs and windmills as was done by his illus-
trious predecessor of Saardam; nor did he employ
circular castellated towers, or batteries with two
tier of heavy artillery, and a third of columbiads on
the top; as are now erecting for the defence of this
defenceless city.

     My readers will perhaps be surprized, that out
of so many systems, governor Stuyvesant should
find none to suit him; this may be tolerably ac-
counted for, by the simple fact, that many of them
were unfortunately invented long since his time;
and as to the rest, he was as ignorant of them, as
the child that never was and never will be born.
In truth, it is more than probable, that had they all
been spread before him, with as many more into
the bargain; that same peculiarity of mind, that
acquired him the name of Hard-kopping Piet,
would have induced him to follow his own plans,
in preference to them all. In a word, he pursued
no system either past, present or to come; he
equally disdained to imitate his predecessors, of
whom he had never heard -- his contemporaries,
whom he did not know; or his unborn successors,
whom, to say the truth, he never once thought of
in his whole life. His great and capacious mind
was convinced, that the simplest method is often
the most efficient and certainly the most expeditious,
he therefore fortified the water edge with a formi-
dable mud breast work, solidly faced, after the
manner of the dutch ovens common in those days,
with clam shells.

     These frowning bulwarks in process of time,
came to be pleasantly overrun by a verdant carpet
of grass and clover, and their high embankments
overshadowed by wide spreading sycamores, among
whose foilage the little birds sported about, making
the air to resound with their joyous notes. The
old burghers would repair of an afternoon to smoke
their pipes under the shade of their branches, con-
templating the golden sun as he gradually sunk
into the west an emblem of that tranquil end toward
which themselves were hastening -- while the young
men and the damsels of the town would take many
a moonlight stroll among these favourite haunts,
watching the silver beams of chaste Cynthia, trem-
ble along the calm bosom of the bay, or light up
the white sail of some gliding bark, and inter-
changing the honest vows of constant affection.
Such was the origin of that renowned walk, the
Battery, which though ostensibly devoted to the
purposes of war, has ever been consecrated to the
sweet delights of peace. The favourite walk of
declining age -- the healthful resort of the feeble
invalid -- the sunday refreshment of the dusty trades-
man -- the scene of many a boyish gambol -- the
rendezvous of many a tender assignation -- the
comfort of the citizen -- the ornament of New York,
and the pride of the lovely island of Mannahata.

  [4] In an antique view of Nieuw Amsterdam, taken some few
years after the above period, is an accurate representation of this
wall, which stretched along the course of Wall-street, so called in
commemoration of this great bulwark. One gate, called the
Land-poort opened upon Broadway, hard by where at present
stands the Trinity Church; and another called the Water-poort,
stood about where the Tontine coffee-house is at present -- opening
upon Smits Vleye, or as it is commonly called Smith fly; then a
marshy valley, with a creek or inlet, extending up what we call
maiden lane.

     How the people of the east country were suddenly
afflicted with a diabolical evil -- and their judici-
ous measures for the extirpation thereof.

Having thus provided for the temporary secu-
rity of New Amsterdam, and guarded it against
any sudden surprise, the gallant Peter took a hear-
ty pinch of snuff, and snapping his fingers, set the
great council of Amphyctions, aud their champion,
the doughty Alicxsander Partridg at defiance. It
is impossible to say, notwithstanding, what might
have been the issue of this affair, had not the great
council been all at once involved in huge perplexity,
and as much horrible dissension sown among its
members, as of yore was stirred up in the camp of
the brawling warriors of Greece.

     The all potent council of the league, as I have
shewn in my last chapter, had already announced its
hostile determinations, and already was the mighty
colony of New Haven and the puissant town of Py-
quag, otherwise called Wethersfield -- famous for
its onions and its witches -- and the great trading
house of Hartford, and all the other redoubtable lit-
tle border towns, in a prodigious turmoil, furbishing
up their rusty fowling pieces and shouting aloud for
war; by which they anticipated easy conquests, and
gorgeous spoils, from the little fat dutch villages.
But this joyous brawling was soon silenced by the
conduct of the colony of Massachusetts. Struck
with the gallant spirit of the brave old Peter, and
convinced by the chivalric frankness and heroic
warmth of his vindication, they refused to believe
him guilty of the infamous plot most wrongfully
laid at his door. With a generosity for which I
would yield them immortal honour, they declared,
that no determination of the grand council of the
league, should bind the general court of Massachu-
setts, to join in an offensive war, which should appear
to such general court to be unjust. [5]

     This refusal immediately involved the colony
of Massachusetts and the other combined colonies,
in very serious difficulties and disputes, and would
no doubt have produced a dissolution of the confe-
deracy, but that the great council of Amphyctions,
finding that they could not stand alone, if mutilated
by the loss of so important a member as Massachu-
setts, were fain to abandon for the present their hos-
tile machinations against the Manhattoes. Such is
the marvellous energy and puissance of those nota-
ble confederacies, composed of a number of sturdy,
self-will'd, discordant parts, loosely banded toge-
ther by a puny general government. As it is how-
ever, the warlike towns of Connecticut, had no
cause to deplore this disappointment of their mar-
tial ardour; for by my faith -- though the combined
powers of the league might have been too potent
in the end, for the robustious warriors of the Man-
hattoes -- yet in the interim would the lion hearted
Peter and his myrmidons, have choaked the sto-
machful heroes of Pyquag with their own onions,
and have given the other little border towns such a
scouring, that I warrant they would have had no
stomach to squat on the land, or invade the hen-
roost of a New Nederlander for a century to come.

     Indeed there was more than one cause to divert
the attention of the good people of the east, from
their hostile purposes; for just about this time were
they horribly beleagured and harassed by the in-
roads of the prince of darkness, divers of whose
liege subjects they detected, lurking within their
camp, all of whom they incontinently roasted as so
many spies, and dangerous enemies. Not to speak
in parables, we are informed, that at this juncture,
the unfortunate "east countrie" was exceedingly
troubled and confounded by multitudes of losel
witches, who wrought strange devices to beguile
and distress the multitude; and notwithstanding nu-
merous judicious and bloody laws had been enacted,
against all "solem conversing or compacting with
the divil, by way of conjuracon or the like,"⁶ yet
did the dark crime of witchcraft continue to en-
crease to an alarming degree, that would almost
transcend belief, were not the fact too well authenti-
cated to be even doubted for an instant.

     What is particularly worthy of admiration is,
that this terrible art, which so long has baffled the
painful researches, and abstruse studies of philoso-
phers, astrologers, alchymists, theurgists and other
sages, was chiefly confined to the most ignorant,
decrepid, ugly, abominable old women in the com-
munity, who had scarcely more brains than the
broomsticks they rode upon. Where they first ac-
quired their infernal education -- whether from the
works of the ancient Theurgists -- the demonology
of the Egyptians -- the belomancy, or divination by
arrows of the Scythians -- the spectrology of the
Germans -- the magic of the Persians -- the enchant-
ment of the Laplanders, or from the archives of
the dark and mysterious caverns of the Dom Dan-
iel, is a question pregnant with a host of learned
and ingenious doubts -- particularly as most of them
were totally unversed in the occult mysteries of the
alphabet.

     When once an alarm is sounded, the public,
who love dearly to be in a panic, are not long in
want of proofs to support it -- raise but the cry of
yellow fever, and immediately every head-ache,
and indigestion, and overflowing of the bile is pro-
nounced the terrible epidemic -- In like manner in
the present instance, whoever was troubled with a
cholic or lumbago, was sure to be bewitched, and
woe to any unlucky old woman that lived in his
neighbourhood. Such a howling abomination could
not be suffered to remain long unnoticed, and it ac-
cordingly soon attracted the fiery indignation of the
sober and reflective part of the community -- more
especially of those, who, whilome, had evinced so
much active benevolence in the conversion of qua-
kers and anabaptists. The grand council of the
amphyctions publicly set their faces against so
deadly and dangerous a sin, and a severe scrutiny
took place after those nefarious witches, who were
easily detected by devil's pinches, black cats, broom-
sticks, and the circumstance of their only being
able to weep three tears, and those out of the left
eye.

     It is incredible the number of offences that were
detected, "for every one of which," says the pro-
found and reverend Cotton Mather, in that excel-
lent work, the history of New England -- "we have
such a sufficient evidence, that no reasonable man
in this whole country ever did question them; and
it will be unreasonable to do it in any other."

     Indeed, that authentic and judicious historian
John Josselyn, Gent. furnishes us with unquestiona-
ble facts on this subject. "There are none," ob-
serves he "that beg in this country, but there be
witches too many -- bottle bellied witches and others,
that produce many strange apparitions, if you will be-
lieve report of a shalop at sea manned with women
-- and of a ship and great red horse standing by the
main mast; the ship being in a small cove to the east-
ward vanished of a sudden," &c.

     The number of delinquents, however, and their
magical devices, were not more remarkable than
their diabolical obstinacy. Though exhorted in the
most solemn, persuasive and affectionate manner,
to confess themselves guilty, and be burnt for the
good of religion, and the entertainment of the pub-
lic; yet did they most pertinaciously persist in as-
serting their innocence. Such incredible obstinacy
was in itself deserving of immediate punishment,
and was sufficient proof, if proof were necessary,
that they were in league with the devil, who is per-
verseness itself. But their judges were just and
merciful, and were determined to punish none that
were not convicted on the best of testimony; not
that they needed any evidence to satisfy their
own minds, for, like true and experienced judges
their minds were perfectly made up, and they
were thoroughly satisfied of the guilt of the
prisoners before they proceeded to try them; but
still something was necessary to convince the
community at large -- to quiet those prying quid
nuncs who should come after them -- in short, the
world must be satisfied. Oh the world -- the world!
-- all the world knows the world of trouble the world
is eternally occasioning! -- The worthy judges there-
fore, like myself in this most authentic, minute and
satisfactory of all histories, were driven to the ne-
cessity of sifting, detecting and making evident as
noon day, matters which were at the commence-
ment all clearly understood and firmly decided upon
in their own own pericraniums -- so that it may truly
be said, that the witches were burnt, to gratify the
populace of the day -- but were tried for the satis-
faction of the whole world that should come after
them!

     Finding therefore that neither exhortation, sound
reason, nor friendly entreaty had any avail on these
hardened offenders, they resorted to the more ur-
gent arguments of the torture, and having thus ab-
solutely wrung the truth from their stubborn lips --
they condemned them to undergo the roasting due
unto the heinous crimes they had confessed. Some
even carried their perverseness so far, as to expire
under the torture, protesting their innocence to the
last; but these were looked upon as thoroughly and
absolutely possessed, and governed by the devil,
and the pious bye-standers, only lamented that they
had not lived a little longer, to have perished in the
flames.

     In the city of Ephesus, we are told, that the
plague was expelled by stoning a ragged old beg-
gar to death, whom Appolonius pointed out as be-
ing the evil spirit that caused it, and who actually
shewed himself to be a demon, by changing into a
shagged dog. In like manner, and by measures
equally sagacious, a salutary check was given to
this growing evil. The witches were all burnt,
banished or panic struck, and in a little while
there was not an ugly old woman to be found
throughout New England -- which is doubtless one
reason why all their young women are so handsome.
Those honest folk who had suffered from their in-
cantations gradually recovered, excepting such as
had been afflicted with twitches and aches, which,
however assumed the less alarming aspects of rheu-
matisms, sciatics and lumbagos -- and the good
people of New England, abandoning the study of
the occult sciences, turned their attention to the
more profitable hocus pocus of trade, and soon be-
came expert in the legerdemain art of turning a pen-
ny. Still however, a tinge of the old leaven is dis-
cernable, even unto this day, in their characters --
witches occasionally start up among them in differ-
ent disguises, as physicians, civilians, and divines.
The people at large shew a 'cuteness, a cleverness,
and a profundity of wisdom, that savours strongly
of witchcraft -- and it has been remarked, that when-
ever any stones fall from the moon, the greater part
of them are sure to tumble into New England!

  [5] Haz. Col. S. Pap.

  [6] New Plymouth record.

     Which records the rise and renown of a valiant
commander, shewing that a man, like a bladder,
may be puffed up to greatness and importance,
by mere wind.

When treating of these tempestuous times, the
unknown writer of the Stuyvesant manuscript,
breaks out into a vehement apostrophe, in praise of
the good St. Nicholas; to whose protecting care he
entirely ascribes the strange dissentions that broke
out in the council of the amphyctions, and the
direful witchcraft that prevailed in the east country
-- whereby the hostile machinations against the
Nederlanders were for a time frustrated, and his
favourite city of New Amsterdam, preserved from
imminent peril and deadly warfare. Darkness
and lowering superstition hung over the fair valleys
of the east; the pleasant banks of the Connecticut,
no longer echoed with the sounds of rustic gaiety;
direful phantoms and portentous apparitions were
seen in the air -- gliding spectrums haunted every
wildbrook and dreary glen -- strange voices, made by
viewless forms, were heard in desart solitudes -- and
the border towns were so occupied in detecting and
punishing the knowing old women, that had pro-
duced these alarming appearances, that for a while
the province of New Nederlandt and its inhabitants
were totally forgotten.

     The great Peter therefore, finding that nothing
was to be immediately apprehended from his eastern
neighbours, turned himself about with a praisewor-
thy vigilance that ever distinguished him, to put
a stop to the insults of the Swedes. These lossel
freebooters my attentive reader will recollect had
begun to be very troublesome towards the latter part
of the reign of William the Testy, having set the
proclamations of that doughty little governor at
naught, and put the intrepid Jan Jansen Alpendam
to a perfect non plus!

     Peter Stuyvesant, however, as has already been
shewn, was a governor of different habits and turn
of mind -- without more ado he immediately issued
orders for raising a corps of troops to be stationed
on the southern frontier, under the command of
brigadier general Jacobus Von Poffenburgh. This
illustrious warrior had risen to great importance
during the reign of Wihelmus Keift, and if histories
speak true, was second in command to the gallant
Van Curlet, when he and his ragged regiment were
inhumanly kicked out of Fort Good Hope by the
Yankees. In consequence of having been in such
a "memorable affair," and of having received
more wounds on a certain honourable part that
shall be nameless, than any of his comrades, he was
ever after considered as a hero, who had "seen
some service." Certain it is, he enjoyed the un-
limited confidence and friendship of William the
Testy; who would sit for hours and listen with
wonder to his gunpowder narratives of surprising
victories -- he had never gained: and dreadful bat-
tles -- from which he had run away; and the governor
was once heard to declare that had he lived in
ancient times, he might unquestionably have claimed
the armour of Achilles -- being not merely like
Ajax, a mighty blustering man of battle, but in the
cabinet a second Ulysses, that is to say, very valiant
of speech and long winded -- all which, as nobody
in New Amsterdam knew aught of the ancient
heroes in question, passed totally uncontradicted.

     It was tropically observed by honest old Socrates,
of hen-pecked memory, that heaven had infused
into some men at their birth a portion of intellectual
gold; into others of intellectual silver; while others
were bounteously furnished out with abundance of
brass and iron -- now of this last class was undoubt-
edly the great general Von Poffenburgh, and from
the great display he continually made, I am inclined
to think that dame nature, who will sometimes be
partial, had blessed him with enough of those
valuable materials to have fitted up a dozen ordinary
braziers. But what is most to be admired is, that he
contrived to pass off all his brass and copper upon
Wilhelmus Kieft, who was no great judge of base
coin, as pure and genuine gold. The consequence
was, that upon the resignation of Jacobus Van Cur-
let, who after the loss of fort Goed Hoop retired
like a veteran general, to live under the shade of
his laurels, the mighty "copper captain" was pro-
moted to his station. This he filled with great
importance, always styling himself "commander
in chief of the armies of the New Netherlands;"
though to tell the truth the armies, or rather army,
consisted of a handful of half uniformed, hen
stealing, bottle bruizing raggamuffins.

     Such was the character of the warrior appointed
by Peter Stuyvesant to defend his southern frontier,
nor may it be uninteresting to my reader to have a
glimpse of his person. He was not very tall, but
notwithstanding, a huge, full bodied man, whose
size did not so much arise from his being fat, as
windy; being so completely inflated with his own
importance, that he resembled one of those puffed
up bags of wind, which old Eolus, in an incredible
fit of generosity, gave to that vagabond warrior
Ulysses.

     His dress comported with his character, for he
had almost as much brass and copper without, as
nature had stored away within -- His coat was cros-
sed and slashed, and carbonadoed, with stripes of
copper lace, and swathed round the body with a
crimson sash, of the size and texture of a fishing
net, doubtless to keep his valiant heart from bursting
through his ribs. His head and whiskers were pro
fusely powdered, from the midst of which his full
blooded face glowed like a fiery furnace; and his
magnanimous soul seemed ready to bounce out at
a pair of large glassy blinking eyes, which projected
like those of a lobster.

     I swear to thee, worthy reader, if report belie
not this great general, I would give half my for-
tune (which at this moment is not enough to pay
the bill of my landlord) to have seen him accou-
tered cap-a-pie, in martial array -- booted to the
middle -- sashed to the chin -- collared to the ears --
whiskered to the muzzle -- crowned with an over-
shadowing cocked-hat, and girded with a leathern
belt ten inches broad, from which trailed a faulchion
of a length that I dare not mention.

     Thus equipped, he strutted about, as bitter look-
ing a man of war as the far-famed More of More
Hall, when he sallied forth, armed at all points, to
slay the Dragon of Wantley --

"Had you but seen him in this dress
     How fierce he look'd and how big;
You would have thought him for to be
     Some Egyptian Porcupig.
He frighted all, cats, dogs and all,
     Each cow, each horse, and each hog;
For fear they did flee, for they took him to be
     Some strange outlandish hedge hog." [7]

     Notwithstanding all the great endowments and
transcendent qualities of this renowned general, I
must confess he was not exactly the kind of man
that the gallant Peter the Headstrong would have
chosen to command his troops -- but the truth is, that
in those days the province did not abound, as at pre-
sent, in great military characters; who like so many
Cincinnatuses people every little village -- marshal-
ling out cabbages, instead of soldiers, and signa-
lizing themselves in the corn field, instead of the
field of battle. Who have surrendered the toils of
war, for the more useful but inglorious arts of
peace, and so blended the laurel with the olive, that
you may have a general for a landlord, a colonel
for a stage driver, and your horse shod by a valiant
"captain of volunteers" -- Neither had the great
Stuyvesant an opportunity of choosing, like modern
rulers, from a loyal band of editors of newspapers --
no mention being made in the histories of the times,
of any such class of mercenaries, being retained in
pay by government, either as trumpeters, cham-
pions, or body guards. The redoubtable general
Von Poffenburgh, therefore, was appointed to the
command of the new levied troops; chiefly because
there were no competitors for the station, and partly
because it would have been a breach of military
etiquette, to have appointed a younger officer over
his head -- an injustice, which the great Peter would
rather have died than have committed.

     No sooner did this thrice valiant copper cap-
tain receive marching orders, than he conducted
his army undauntedly to the southern frontier;
through wild lands and savage deserts; over in-
surmountable mountains, across impassable floods
and through impenetrable forests; subduing a vast
tract of uninhabited country, and overturning, dis-
comfiting and making incredible slaughter of cer-
tain hostile hosts of grass-hoppers, toads and pis-
mires, which had gathered together to oppose his
progress -- an achievement unequalled in the pages
of history, save by the farfamed retreat of old
Xenephon and his ten thousand Grecians. All
this accomplished, he established on the South (or
Delaware) river, a redoubtable redoubt, named
Fort Casimer, in honour of a favourite pair of
brimstone coloured trunk breeches of the go-
vernor's. As this fort will be found to give rise to
very important and interesting events, it may be
worth while to notice that it was afterwards called
Neiuw Amstel, and was the original germ of the
present flourishing town of New Castle, an ap-
pellation erroneously substituted for No Castle,
there neither being, nor ever having been a castle,
or any thing of the kind upon the premises.

     The Swedes did not suffer tamely this mena-
cing movement of the Nederlanders; on the con-
trary Jan Printz, at that time governor of New
Sweden, issued a sturdy protest against what he
termed an encroachment upon his jurisdiction. --
But the valiant Von Poffenburgh had become too
well versed in the nature of proclamations and pro-
tests, while he served under William the Testy,
to be in any wise daunted by such paper warfare.
His fortress being finished, it would have done
any man's heart good to behold into what a magni-
tude he immediately swelled. He would stride in
and out a dozen times a day, surveying it in front
and in rear; on this side and on that. -- Then would
he dress himself in full regimentals, and strut back-
wards and forwards, for hours together, on the top
of his little rampart -- like a vain glorious cock
pidgeon vapouring on the top of his coop. In a
word, unless my readers have noticed, with curi-
ous eye, the petty commander of a little, snivel-
ling, military post, swelling with all the vanity
of new regimentals, and the pomposity derived
from commanding a handful of tatterdemalions,
I despair of giving them any adequate idea of
the prodigious dignity of general Von Poffen-
burgh.

     It is recorded in the delectable romance of
Pierce Forest, that a young knight being dubbed
by king Alexander, did incontinently gallop into an
adjoining forest, and belaboured the trees with such
might and main, that the whole court were convin-
ced that he was the most potent and courageous
gentleman on the face of the earth. In like man-
ner the great general Von Poffenburgh would ease
off that valourous spleen, which like wind is so apt
to grow unruly in the stomachs of new made sol-
diers, impelling them to box-lobby brawls, and bro-
ken headed quarrels. -- For at such times, when he
found his martial spirit waxing hot within him, he
would prudently sally forth into the fields, and lug-
ging out his trusty sabre, of full two flemish ells in
length, would lay about him most lustily, decapi-
tating cabbages by platoons -- hewing down whole
phalanxes of sunflowers, which he termed gigantic
Swedes; and if peradventure, he espied a colony of
honest big bellied pumpkins quietly basking them-
selves in the sun, "ah caitiff Yankees," would he
roar, "have I caught ye at last!" -- so saying, with
one sweep of his sword, he would cleave the unhap-
py vegetables from their chins to their waistbands:
by which warlike havoc, his choler being in some
sort allayed, he would return to his garrison with a
full conviction, that he was a very miracle of milita-
ry prowess.

     The next ambition of general Von Poffenburgh
was to be thought a strict disciplinarian. Well
knowing that discipline is the soul of all military
enterprize, he enforced it with the most rigorous
precision; obliging every man to turn out his toes,
and hold up his head on parade, and prescribing the
breadth of their ruffles to all such as had any shirts
to their backs.

     Having one day, in the course of his devout re-
searches in the bible, (for the pious Eneas himself,
could not exceed him in outward religion) encoun-
tered the history of Absalom and his melancholy
end; the general in an evil hour, issued orders for
cropping the hair of both officers and men through-
out the garrison. Now it came to pass, that among
his officers was one Kildermeester; a sturdy old
veteran, who had cherished through the course of a
long life, a rugged mop of hair, not a little resem-
bling the shag of a Newfoundland dog; termina-
ting with an immoderate queue, like the handle of
a frying pan; and queued so tightly to his head,
that his eyes and mouth generally stood ajar, and
his eye-brows were drawn up to the top of his fore-
head. It may naturally be supposed that the pos-
sessor of so goodly an appendage would resist with
abhorrence, an order condemning it to the shears.
Sampson himself could not have held his wig more
sacred, and on hearing the general orders, he dis-
charged a tempest of veteran, soldier-like oaths,
and dunder and blixums -- swore he would break any
man's head who attempted to meddle with his tail --
queued it stiffer than ever, and whisked it about
the garrison, as fiercely as the tail of a crocodile.

     The eel-skin queue of old Kildermeester, became
instantly an affair of the utmost importance. The
commander in chief was too enlightened an officer
not to perceive, that the discipline of the garrison,
the subordination and good order of the armies of
the Nieuw Nederlandts, the consequent safety of
the whole province, and ultimately the dignity and
prosperity of their high mightinesses, the lords
states general, but above all, the dignity of the
great general Von Poffenburgh, all imperiously de-
manded the docking of that stubborn queue. He
therefore patriotically determined that old Kilder-
meester should be publicly shorn of his glories in
presence of the whole garrison -- the old man as re-
solutely stood on the defensive -- whereupon the
general, as became a great man, was highly exas-
perated, and the offender was arrested and tried
by a court martial for mutiny, desertion and all the
other rigmarole of offences noticed in the articles of
war, ending with a "videlicit, in wearing an eel-skin
queue, three feet long, contrary to orders" -- Then
came on arraignments, and trials, and pleadings,
and convictings, and the whole country was in a
ferment about this unfortunate queue. As it is
well known that the commander of a distant frontier
post has the power of acting pretty much after his
own will, there is little doubt but that the old vete-
ran would have been hanged or shot at least, had he
not luckily fallen ill of a fever, through mere cha-
grin and mortification -- and most flagitiously de-
serted from all earthly command, with his beloved
locks unviolated. His obstinacy remained unsha-
ken to the very last moment, when he directed that
he should be carried to his grave with his eel-skin
queue sticking out of a knot hole in his coffin.

     This magnanimous affair obtained the general
great credit as an excellent disciplinarian, but it is
hinted that he was ever after subject to bad dreams,
and fearful visitations in the night -- when the griz-
ly spectrum of old Kildermeester would stand cen-
tinel by his bed side, erect as a pump, his enor-
mous queue strutting out like the handle.

  [7] Ballad of Drag of Want.

     Containing the second part of the reign of Peter
the Headstrong -- and his gallant achievements on
the Delaware.

     In which is presented a warlike portrait of the
Great Peter. -- And how General Von Poffen-
burgh gave a stout carousal, for which he got
more kicks than coppers.

     Hitherto most venerable and courteous reader,
have I shewn thee the administration of the valour-
ous Stuyvesant, under the mild moonshine of
peace; or rather the grim tranquillity of awful pre-
paration; but now the war drum rumbles, the bra-
zen trumpet brays its thrilling note, and the rude
clash of hostile arms, speaks fearful prophecies of
coming troubles. The gallant warrior starts from
soft repose, from golden visions and voluptuous
ease; where in the dulcet, "piping time of peace,"
he sought sweet solace after all his toils. No more
in beauty's syren lap reclined, he weaves fair gar-
lands for his lady's brows; no more entwines with
flowers his shining sword, nor through the live-long
lazy summers day, chaunts forth his lovesick soul
in madrigals. To manhood roused, he spurns the
amorous flute; doffs from his brawny back the robe
of peace, and clothes his pampered limbs in panoply
of steel. O'er his dark brow, where late the myr-
tle waved; where wanton roses breathed enervate
love, he rears the beaming casque and nodding
plume; grasps the bright shield and shakes the pon-
drous lance; or mounts with eager pride his fiery
steed; and burns for deeds of glorious chivalry!

     But soft, worthy reader! I would not have you
go about to imagine, that any preux chevalier thus
hideously begirt with iron existed in the city of
New Amsterdam. -- This is but a lofty and gigantic
mode in which we heroic writers always talk of
war, thereby to give it a noble and imposing as-
pect; equipping our warriors with bucklers, helms
and lances, and a host of other outlandish and ob-
solete weapons, the like of which perchance they
had never seen or heard of; in the same manner
that a cunning statuary arrays a modern general or
an admiral in the accoutrements of a Cæsar or an
Alexander. The simple truth then of all this ora-
torical flourish is this. -- That the valiant Peter
Stuyvesant all of a sudden found it necessary to
scour his trusty blade, which too long had rusted
in its scabbard, and prepare himself to undergo
those hardy toils of war, in which his mighty soul
so much delighted.

     Methinks I at this moment behold him in my
imagination -- or rather I behold his goodly por-
trait, which still hangs up in the family mansion of
the Stuyvesants -- arrayed in all the terrors of a
true dutch general. His regimental coat of Ger-
man blue, gorgeously decorated with a goodly
shew of large brass buttons, reaching from his
waistband to his chin. The voluminous skirts
turned up at the corners and separating gallantly
behind, so as to display the seat of a sumptuous
pair of brimstone coloured trunk breeches -- a grace-
ful style still prevalent among the warriors of our
day, and which is in conformity to the custom of
ancient heroes, who scorned to defend themselves
in rear. -- His face rendered exceeding terrible and
warlike by a pair of black mustachios; his hair
strutting out on each side in stiffly pomatumed ear
locks and descending in a rat tail queue below his
waist; a shining stock of black leather supporting
his chin, and a little, but fierce cocked hat stuck
with a gallant and fiery air, over his left eye. Such
was the chivalric port of Peter the Headstrong;
and when he made a sudden halt, planted himself
firmly on his solid supporter, with his wooden leg,
inlaid with silver, a little in advance, in order to
strengthen his position; his right hand stuck a-
kimbo, his left resting upon the pummel of his
brass hilted sword; his head dressing spiritedly
to the right, with a most appalling and hard favour-
ed frown upon his brow -- he presented altogether
one of the most commanding, bitter looking, and
soldierlike figures, that ever strutted upon canvass.
-- Proceed we now to enquire the cause of this
warlike preparation.

     The encroaching disposition of the Swedes, on
the south, or Delaware river, has been duly re-
corded in the Chronicles of the reign of William
the Testy. These encroachments having been en-
dured with that heroic magnanimity, which is the
corner stone, or according to Aristotle, the left
hand neighbour of true courage, had been repeated
and wickedly aggravated.

     The Swedes, who, were of that class of cunning
pretenders to Christianity, that read the Bible up-
side down, whenever it interferes with their inte-
rests, inverted the golden maxim, and when their
neighbour suffered them to smite him on the one
cheek, they generally smote him on the other also,
whether it was turned to them or not. Their re-
peated aggressions had been among the numerous
sources of vexation, that conspired to keep the
irritable sensibilities of Wilhelmus Kieft, in a con-
stant fever, and it was only owing to the unfortu-
nate circumstance, that he had always a hundred
things to do at once, that he did not take such un-
relenting vengeance as their offences merited. But
they had now a chieftan of a different character to
deal with; and they were soon guilty of a piece of
treachery, that threw his honest blood in a ferment,
and precluded all further sufference.

     Printz, the governor of the province of New
Sweden, being either deceased or removed, for of
this fact some uncertainty exists; he was succeeded
by Jan Risingh, a gigantic Swede, and who, had he
not been rather in-kneed and splay-footed, might
have served for the model of a Sampson, or a Her-
cules. He was no less rapacious than mighty, and
withal as crafty as he was rapacious; so that in fact
there is very little doubt, had he lived some four or
five centuries before, he would have made one of
those wicked giants, who took such a cruel pleasure
in pocketing distressed damsels, when gadding about
the would, and locking them up in enchanted castles,
without a toilet, a change of linen, or any other
convenience. -- In consequence of which enormities
they fell under the high displeasure of chivalry,
and all true, loyal and gallant knights, were in-
structed to attack and slay outright any miscreant
they might happen to find above six feet high;
which is doubtless one reason that the race of large
men is nearly extinct, and the generations of latter
ages so exceeding small.

     No sooner did governor Risingh enter upon
his office, than he immediately cast his eyes upon
the important post of Fort Casimer, and formed the
righteous resolution of taking it into his possession.
The only thing that remained to consider, was the
mode of carrying his resolution into effect; and
here I must do him the justice to say, that he ex-
hibited a humanity rarely to be met with among
leaders; and which I have never seen equalled in
modern times, excepting among the English, in
their glorious affair at Copenhagen. Willing to
spare the effusion of blood, and the miseries of open
warfare, he benevolently shunned every thing like
avowed hostility or regular seige, and resorted to
the less glorious, but more merciful expedient of
treachery.

     Under pretence therefore, of paying a sociable,
neighbourly visit to general Von Poffenburgh, at
his new post of Fort Casimer, he made requisite
preparation, sailed in great state up the Delaware,
displayed his flag with the most ceremonious punc-
tilio, and honoured the fortress with a royal salute,
previous to dropping anchor. The unusual noise
awakened a veteran dutch centinel, who was nap-
ping faithfully on his post, and who after hammering
his flint for good ten minutes, and rubbing its edge
with the corner of his ragged cocked hat, but all to
no purpose, contrived to return the compliment,
by discharging his rusty firelock with the spark of
a pipe, which he borrowed from one of his comrades.
The salute indeed would have been answered by
the guns of the fort, had they not unfortunately
been out of order, and the magazine deficient in
ammunition -- accidents to which forts have in all
ages been liable, and which were the more excusa-
ble in the present instance, as Fort Casimir had
only been erected about two years, and general
Von Poffenburgh, its mighty commander, had been
fully occupied wish matters of much greater self
importance.

     Risingh, highly satisfied with this courteous
reply to his salute, treated the fort to a second,
for he well knew its puissant and pompous leader,
was marvellously delighted with these little cere-
monials, which he considered as so many acts of
homage paid unto his greatness. He then landed
in great state, attended by a suite of thirty men --
a prodigious and vain-glorious retinue, for a petty
governor of a petty settlement, in those days of
primitive simplicity; and to the full as great an
army as generally swells the pomp and marches in
the rear of our frontier commanders at the present
day.

     The number in fact might have awakened sus-
picion, had not the mind of the great Von Poffen-
burgh been so completely engrossed with an all
pervading idea of himself, that he had not room to
admit a thought besides. In fact he considered
the concourse of Risingh's followers as a compli-
ment to himself -- so apt are great men to stand
between themselves and the sun, and completely
eclipse the truth by their own shadow.

     It may readily be imagined how much general
Von Poffenburgh was flattered by a visit from so
august a personage; his only embarrassment was,
how he should receive him in such a manner as to
appear to the greatest advantage, and make the
most advantageous impression. The main guard
was ordered immediately to turn out, and the arms
and regimentals (of which the garrison possessed
full half a dozen suits) were equally distributed
among the solidiers. One tall lank fellow, appeared
in a coat intended for a small man, the skirts of
which reached a little below his waist, the buttons
were between his shoulders and the sleeves half way
to his wrists, so that his hands looked like a couple
of huge spades -- and the coat not being large enough
to meet in front, was linked together by loops,
made of a pair of red worsted garters. Another
had an old cocked hat, stuck on the back of his
head and decorated with a bunch of cocks tails --
a third had a pair of rusty gaiters hanging about
his heels -- while a fourth, who was a short duck
legged little trojan, was equipped in a huge pair of
the general's cast off breeches, which he held up
with one hand, while he grasped his firelock with
the other. The rest were accoutred in similar
style, excepting three graceless raggamuffins, who
had no shirts and but a pair and half of breeches
between them, wherefore they were sent to the
black hole, to keep them out of view. There is
nothing in which the talents of a prudent commander
are more completely testified, than in thus setting
matters off to the greatest advantage; and it is for
this reason that our frontier posts at the present
day (that of Niagara in particular) display their
best suit of regimentals on the back of the centinel
who stands in sight of travellers.

     His men being thus gallantly arrayed -- those
who lacked muskets shouldering shovels and pick
axes, and every man being ordered to tuck in his
shirt tail and pull up his brogues, general Von
Poffenburgh first took a sturdy draught of foaming
ale, which like the magnanimous More of More-
hall⁸ was his invariable practice on all great occa-
sions -- which done he put himself at their head, or-
dered the pine planks, which served as a draw bridge,
to be laid down, and issued forth from his castle,
like a mighty giant, just refreshed with wine. But
when the two heroes met, then began a scene of
warlike parade and chivalric courtesy, that beggars
all description. Risingh, who, as I before hinted,
was a shrewd, cunning politician, and had grown
grey much before his time, in consequence of his
craftiness, saw at one glance the ruling passion of
the great Von Poffenburgh, and humoured him in all
his valorous fantasies.

     Their detachments were accordingly drawn up
in front of each other; they carried arms and they
presented arms; they gave the standing salute and
the passing salute -- They rolled their drums, they
flourished their fifes and they waved their colours --
they faced to the left, and they faced to the right,
and they faced to the right about -- They wheeled
forward, and they wheeled backward, and they
wheeled into echellon -- They marched and they
countermarched, by grand divisions, by single divi-
sions and by sub-divisions -- by platoons, by sections
and by files -- In quick time, in slow time and in no
time at all; for, having gone through all the evolu-
tions of two great armies, including the eighteen
manoeuvres of Dundas (which, not being yet in-
vented they must have anticipated by intuition or
inspiration) having exhausted all that they could
recollect or imagine of military tactics, including
sundry strange and irregular evolutions, the like of
which were never seen before or since, excepting
among certain of our newly raised drafts, the
two great commanders and their respective troops,
came at length to a dead halt, completely exhausted
by the toils of war -- Never did two valiant train
band captains, or two buskin'd theatric heroes, in
the renowned tragedies of Pizarro, Tom Thumb, or
any other heroical and fighting tragedy, marshal
their gallows-looking, duck-legged, heavy-heeled,
sheep-stealing myrmidons with more glory and self-
admiration.

     These military compliments being finished, ge-
neral Von Poffenburgh escorted his illustrious visi-
tor, with great ceremony into the fort; attended him
throughout the fortifications; shewed him the horn
works, crown works, half moons, and various other
outworks; or rather the places where they ought to
be erected, and where they might be erected if he
pleased; plainly demonstrating that it was a place
of "great capability," and though at present but a
little redoubt, yet that it evidently was a formidable
fortress, in embryo. This survey over, he next had
the whole garrison put under arms, exercised and
reviewed, and concluded by ordering the three bride-
well birds to be hauled out of the black hole, brought
up to the halberts and soundly flogged, for the
amusement of his visitor, and to convince him, that
he was a great disciplinarian.

     There is no error more dangerous than for a
commander to make known the strength, or, as in
the present case, the weakness of his garrison; this
will be exemplified before I have arrived to an end
of my present story, which thus carries its moral
like a roasted goose his pudding in its very middle.
The cunning Risingh, while he pretended to be
struck dumb outright, with the puissance of the
great Von Poffenburgh, took silent note of the
incompetency of his garrison, of which he gave a
hint to his trusty followers; who tipped each other
the wink, and laughed most obstreperously -- in
their sleeves.

     The inspection, review, and flogging being con-
cluded, the party adjourned to the table; for
among his other great qualities, the general was re-
markably addicted to huge entertainments, or rather
carousals, and in one afternoon's campaign would
leave more dead men on the field, than he ever did
in the whole course of his military career. Many
bulletins of these bloodless victories do still remain
on record; and the whole province was once thrown
in amaze, by the return of one of his campaigns;
wherein it was stated, that though like captain
Bobadel, he had only twenty men to back him,
yet in the short space of six months he had con-
quered and utterly aunihilated sixty oxen, ninety
hogs, one hundred sheep, ten thousand cabbages,
one thousand bushels of potatoes, one hundred and
fifty kilderkins of small beer, two thousand seven
hundred and thirty five pipes, seventy eight pounds
of sugar-plumbs, and forty bars of iron, besides
sundry small meats, game, poultry and garden stuff.
An atchievement unparalleled since the days of
Pantagruel and his all devouring army, and which
shewed that it was only necessary to let the great
general Von Poffenburgh, and his garrison, loose
in an enemies country, and in a little while they
would breed a famine, and starve all the inhabit-
ants.

     No sooner therefore had the general received
the first intimation of the visit of governor Risingh,
than he ordered a big dinner to be prepared; and
privately sent out a detachment of his most ex-
perienced veterans, to rob all the hen-roosts in
the neighbourhood, and lay the pig-styes under
contribution; a service to which they had been
long enured, and which they discharged with such
incredible zeal and promptitude, that the garrison
table groaned under the weight of their spoils.

     I wish with all my heart, my readers could see
the valiant Von Poffenburgh, as he presided at the
head of the banquet: it was a sight worth behold-
ing -- there he sat, in his greatest glory, surround-
ed by his soldiers, like that famous wine bibber
Alexander, whose thirsty virtues he did most ably
imitate -- telling astounding stories of his hair-
breadth adventures and heroic exploits, at which,
though all his auditors knew them to be most in-
continent and outrageous gasconadoes, yet did they
cast up their eyes in admiration and utter many in-
terjections of astonishment. Nor could the gene-
ral pronounce any thing that bore the remotest
semblance to a joke, but the stout Risingh would
strike his brawny fist upon the table till every glass
rattled again, throwing himself back in his chair,
and uttering gigantic peals of laughter, swearing
most horribly, it was the best joke he ever heard
in his life. -- Thus all was rout and revelry and hi-
deous carousal within Fort Casimer, and so lustily
did the great Von Poffenburgh ply the bottle, that
in less than four short hours he made himself, and
his whole garrison, who all sedulously emulated
the deeds of their chieftain, dead drunk, in singing
songs, quaffing bumpers, and drinking fourth of
July toasts, not one of which, but was as long as a
Welsh pedigee or a plea in chancery.

     No sooner did things come unto this pass, than
the crafty Risingh and his Swedes, who had cun-
ningly kept themselves sober, rose on their enter-
tainers, tied them neck and heels, and took formal
possession of the fort, and all its dependencies, in
the name of queen Christina, of Sweden: adminis-
tering, at the same time, an oath of allegiance to all
the dutch soldiers, who could be made sober enough
to swallow it. Risingh then put the fortifications
in order, appointed his discreet and vigilant friend
Suen Scutz, a tall, wind-dried, water drinking
Swede, to the command, and departed bearing with
him this truly amiable garrison, and their puissant
commander; who when brought to himself by a
sound drubbing, bore no little resemblance to a
"deboshed fish;" or bloated sea monster, caught
upon dry land.

     The transportation of the garrison was done
to prevent the transmission of intelligence to New
Amsterdam; for much as the cunning Risingh ex-
ulted in his stratagem, he dreaded the vengeance of
the sturdy Peter Stuyvesant; whose name spread
as much terror in the neighbourhood, as did whi-
lome that of the unconquerable Scanderbeg among
his scurvy enemies the Turks.

     [8] " -- as soon as he rose,
     To make him strong and mighty,
He drank by the tale, six pots of ale,
     And a quart of Aqua Vitæ."

     Shewing how profound secrets are strangely brought
to light; with the proceedings of Peter the
Headstrong when he heard of the misfortune of
General Von Poffenburgh.

     Whoever first described common fame, or ru-
mour, as belonging to the sager sex, was a very owl
for shrewdness. She has in truth certain feminine
qualities to an astonishing degree; particularly that
benevolent anxiety to take care of the affairs of
others, which keeps her continually hunting after
secrets, and gadding about, proclaiming them.
Whatever is done openly and in the face of the
world, she takes but transient notice of, but when-
ever a transaction is done in a corner, and attempt-
ed to be shrouded in mystery, then her goddesship
is at her wit's end to find it out, and takes a most
mischievous and lady-like pleasure in publishing it
to the world. It is this truly feminine propensity
that induces her continually to be prying into cabi-
nets of princes; listening at the key holes of se-
nate chambers, and peering through chinks and
crannies, when our worthy Congress are sitting
with closed doors, deliberating between a dozen
excellent modes of ruining the nation. It is this
which makes her so obnoxious to all wary states-
men and intriguing commanders -- such a stumbling
block to private negociations and secret expeditions;
which she often betrays, by means and instruments
which never would have been thought of by any
but a female head.

     Thus it was in the case of the affair of Fort Ca-
simer. No doubt the cunning Risingh imagined,
that by securing the garrison, he should for a long
time prevent the history of its fate from reaching the
ears of the gallant Stuyvesant; but his exploit was
blown to the world when he least expected it, and
by one of the last beings he would ever have sus-
pected of enlisting as trumpeter to the wide mouth-
ed deity.

     This was one Dirk Schuiler (or Skulker),
a kind of hanger on to the garrison; who seemed
to belong to no body, and in a manner to be self out-
lawed. One of those vagabond Cosmopolites, who
shirk about the world, as if they had no right or
business in it, and who infest the skirts of socie-
ty, like poachers and interlopers. Every garrison
and country village has one or more scape goats of
this kind, whose life is a kind of enigma, whose ex-
istence is without motive, who comes from the
Lord knows where, who lives the Lord knows
how, and seems to be made for no other earthly
purpose but to keep up the antient and honourable
order of idleness -- This vagrant philosopher was
supposed to have some Indian blood in his veins,
which was manifested by a certain Indian complex-
ion and cast of countenance; but more especially
by his propensities and habits. He was a tall, lank
fellow, swift of foot and long-winded. He was
generally equipped in a half Indian dress, with
belt, leggings, and moccasons. His hair hung in
straight gallows locks, about his ears, and added
not a little to his shirking demeanour. It is an old
remark, that persons of Indian mixture are half ci-
vilized, half savage, and half devil, a third half be-
ing expressly provided for their particular conveni-
ence. It is for similar reasons, and probably with
equal truth, that the back-wood-men of Kentucky
are styled half man, half horse and half alligator, by
the settlers on the Mississippi, and held according-
ly in great respect and abhorrence.

     The above character may have presented itself
to the garrison as applicable to Dirk Schuiler, whom
they familiarly dubbed Galgenbrok, or Gallows
Dirk. Certain it is, he appeared to acknowledge
allegiance to no one -- was an utter enemy to work,
holding it in no manner of estimation -- but lounged
about the fort, depending upon chance for a sub-
sistence; getting drunk whenever he could get li-
quor, and stealing whatever he could lay his hands
on. Every day or two he was sure to get a sound
rib-roasting for some of his misdemeanours, which
however, as it broke no bones, he made very
light of, and scrupled not to repeat the offence,
whenever another opportunity presented. Some-
times in consequence of some flagrant villainy, he
would abscond from the garrison, and be absent for
a month at a time; skulking about the woods and
swamps, with a long fowling piece on his shoulder,
laying in ambush for game -- or squatting himself
down on the edge of a pond catching fish for hours
together, and bearing no little resemblance to that
notable bird ycleped the Mud-poke. When he
thought his crimes had been forgotten or forgiven, he
would sneak back to the fort with a bundle of skins,
or a bunch of poultry which perchance he had stolen,
and exchange them for liquor, with which, having
well soaked his carcass, he would lay in the sun and
enjoy all the luxurious indolence of that swinish phi-
losopher Diogenes. He was the terror of all the farm
yards in the country; into which he made fearful
inroads; and sometimes he would make his sudden
appearance at the garrison at day break, with the
whole neighbourhood at his heels; like a scoundrel
thief of a fox, detected in his maraudings and hunt-
ed to his hole. Such was this Dirk Schuiler; and
from the total indifference he shewed to the world
or its concerns, and from his true Indian stoicism
and taciturnity, no one would ever have dreamt,
that he would have been the publisher of the treache-
ry of Risingh.

     When the carousal was going on, which proved
so fatal to the brave Von Poffenburgh and his
watchful garrison, Dirk skulked about from room
to room, being a kind of privileged vagrant, or use-
less hound, whom nobody noticed. But though a
fellow of few words, yet like your taciturn people,
his eyes and ears were always open, and in the
course of his prowlings he overheard the whole plot
of the Swedes. Dirk immediately settled in his
own mind, how he should turn the matter to his
own advantage. He played the perfect jack-of-
both-sides -- that is to say, he made a prize of every
thing that came in his reach, robbed both parties,
stuck the copper bound cocked hat of the puissant
Von Poffenburgh, on his head, whipped a huge
pair of Risingh's jack boots under his arm, and
took to his heels, just before the denouement and
confusion at the garrison.

     Finding himself completely dislodged from his
haunt in this quarter, he directed his flight towards
his native place, New Amsterdam, from whence
he had formerly been obliged to abscond precipi-
tately, in consequence of misfortune in business --
in other words, having been detected in the act of
sheep stealing. After wandering many days in the
woods, toiling through swamps, fording brooks,
swimming various rivers, and encountering a world
of hardships that would have killed any other be-
ing, but an Indian, a back-wood-man, or the devil,
he at length arrived, half famished, and lank as a
starved weazle at Communipaw, where he stole a
canoe and paddled over to New Amsterdam. Im-
mediately on landing, he repaired to governor Stuy-
vesant, and in more words than he had ever spoken
before, in the whole course of his life, gave an ac-
count of the disastrous affair.

     On receiving these direful tidings the valiant
Peter started from his seat, as did the stout king
Arthur when at "merry Carleile," the news was
brought him of the uncourteous misdeeds of the
"grim barone" -- without uttering a word, he dashed
the pipe he was smoking against the back o